crush.

I wonder if you think about me.
I wonder if Saturday night's kiss and Sunday morning's time that went by way to fast was just another facade or if you think and wonder and possibly want more.
I can't get you out of my head.
I'm sure it will pass, as time tends to do that.
I don't want to be in the middle of anything.

But I can't stop thinking...
about you about that song about those moments that DO feel like something more.
Those moments that I know you feel.

Timing is a bitch.
I wonder if it's all in my head.

I wonder if you wonder about me and if you do, you're really this shy boy from no california. A wanderlust perhaps. A singer songwriter inside the sexy rockstar frame.

I never really wondered or thought. But I suppose I have a crush.
And maybe you do to?

You're a two sided fool with a good side and a bad.
I'm a leader and fighter and I don't think twice.

I just want to know if what's in my head might be in yours.
Then I can move on or rest assured.

I used to be around the corner.

Fate is a funny thing.

Just do it, call me. And let's take it from there.
I'd blow your mind and soul much more than any other out there.
Deep down, I think you know it.

I hope you do.

Perhaps until we meet again,
the next time i will say something...because who knows...

maybe i will win.

so over it.

so over it.
so over the game.
so over trying to analyze and plot out in my head when to text men back.
what to say, when to say it.
so over it.

met a cool guy.
had a great night.
he went out of town.
said he would call.
judging by the night i thought he would call ...like man up to it and make a plan.
but nope, i got a text 11pm on a friday night from him.
Of course I didn't reply.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Men think with the wrong end.
All of them.
Even if they shmooze you and may think you are cool, or whatever...
with the world and all it's text messaging, communication has grown into non communication.
Interpersonal skills are becoming non exisistent.

So I thought to myself.
Here is a guy who I thought was cool.
I'll put him in his place and text him back Sunday saying I had a busy weekend, and seeing if he wants to hang.
BUT my plans for a Saturday night completely fell through.
And so there I sat and thought for a minute, if this is going to be more hook up oriented it's going to be on my terms.

And that's not what I want, but I do believe in having fun up front and seeing if it leads anywhere. So I gave in and hit him back on a Saturday night. "How are you? Want to grab a drink?"

How much more precise can I get?
a) Want to say hello and how are you
b) let's get to the point and grab a drink.

I'm over the game.
Over thinking it out.
Over trying to always be the bitch and never a little doormat.
I don't think there are clear rules these days.

It's sort of more like women need to lead that shit to a certain extent because men, in general are horrible at communicating.

So screw it.
I realize it probably wasn't the best time/place but if he is legit he will hit me back.

I just want to meet a great guy, where everything flows with grace and ease and nothing feels like I can't be myself or send a freaking text or play a lame ass game.

Whatever.
The End.

I'm totally a great catch, and at the end of the day, I think he thought that.

xo,
Carrie with a hint of Samantha only these days more Sam.

Patience.

Sitting at work, in a super tired mentally just don't give a crap about working zone. It happens. I day dream a lot. Most recently about the simple word "patience." I take after my Dad in a sense that I have never been good at having patience. When I want something, I want it now. When I have my mind set on something, it's usually set. I am like this in work, in non work, in relationships and most importantly...my sorta overall every day life plan. I'm such a forward thinker, I'm not happy I think to myself "well what can I do to be happy," and often, those decisions are based off emotion. Although these days I am very much trying to lean towards mind over emotion.

Lately, a month ago I was confused as hell and unhappy. I thought I knew the steps I had to take to make me happy and in the end it all erupted into second thoughts, and sorta more than one sign coming my way and a great convo with a good friend who is the "logic to my life," to make me realize maybe I just need to take a step back for a second, relax, and enjoy the show. Life is to short. I am so so blessed with the things in it. Recently patience was a big topic at church. Pastor Miles often talks about God's plan having patience and everyone must be patient. Things don't happen over night. Well, I don't know how and when all these things I have been manifesting and praying for have been slowly starting to fall into place...but I think they all have to do with patience being such a virtue.

It's crazy, but this thought is my new little motto in life. I don't think it's a bad idea to ever have bigger goals or aspirations but sometimes, sometimes you have to be content and deal with what is now versus the future. You have to work on prospering the things around your current situation first. And so that's sorta where I am now, and I am feeling more content. To sum that up.

It's a cool feeling. So I'm going to roll with it for a minute before I swear by my gut again.

boys are lame.

met a cool guy friday night.
friend of a friend.
hooked up, probably shouldn't have.
got his number because he couldn't find his phone.
told me to text him.
waited awhile and said
"good times last night - tiffany"
I figured it wasn't a question or a chessy
"here's my number ;)" line.
I left it open ended.
He hit me today around 4pm,
"what are you up to tonight."
I started to immediately overanalyze and think do I wait two hours to hit him back,
do I say I'm busy...
And then I thought, F it.
Ten minutes later
"not sure, no huge plans"
Hey I was honest.
Nothing back from him.
WTF.
Can't people have the decency to hit me back.
So two hours later I wrote
"What about you...wine?"
And nothing.

I don't understand people.
I don't understand people who suck at communication.
Especially people who I thought were more real.

Note to you:
I'm not trying to be up on your grill,
just trying to be myself.

When you do text me back, which I'm sure you will.
You just watch me play this damn fucking game,
right back with you.

for now, i'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I go between having game and not giving a fuck.

Why? Because men can seriously suck.

Had to vent.

Whatever.

Then again, sometimes I'm 27.

Then again, sometimes I'm 27.

Sometimes in the mix of the work hard, play hard life, there comes a time where I take a step back and take it all in and ride the coaster through the hills of life, only to realize...wait a second I'm only 27. I'm a LEO and naturally tend to act on impulse, and have an ambitious nature. But recently I've realized a) what I want as the next step in my life and b) have realized to make the most out of life, weekends and more.

This past weekend, I probably (professionally) fucked up. It was the biggest event of the year at my work and when I heard (later to my misunderstanding) that it was "optional" to attend, I chose the later of the two options and made plans. The Indie Music Fest was calling my name. It is what lays in my hear day in and day out of this sort of "figuring it out" stage, and so I didn't want to give it up. Needless to say this past weekend was a blast.

Friday night, met up with a co-worker for a glass of wine and to talk about this new business adventure we are partaking on. Beezag.com --- check it out in case I ever become rich and famous off it. Then, didn't feel like going home so went straight to a friend's house to make these crepe filled things that really didn't turn out to amazing, and drank too much wine. We then went on a mini adventure to the "industry" mixer mingle thing as part of the Indie Fest, and while I knew there would really be no "industry" there, I wanted to check it out. Well, it was lame. So we then hopped to a bar, drank wine that I think I thought was on the house, then I called it a night, excited for the next day.

Saturday was amazing. It was a (much needed) gorgeous day out and I met up with a friend around 1p after a long long run, to head over to the Indie Music Fest. It was awesome out. Hooked up with passes, good people, beautiful weather, music all around and just a live in the moment enjoy this afternoon sort of day. We went for a cocktail which turned in five (story of my life.com), met these cool gay boys who we chatted to about Spain and boys. Then we decided to run around and catch more music. So from locals Rob Deez and Josh Damigo to Nappy Routs, Metrix, Audio Mainslave and more -- I completely got my music fix in. I left that night KNOWING this is what I want to pursue. It was a great day. And in the end, glad I chose that route as my Saturday.

Sunday. I talked my friend and partner in crime to making a day trip up to LA. I had left something at my friend's house to while I could have waited 2 weeks for her to come down, I am trying hard these days to commit the plan I make. Because I soo appreciate that in people, and more often then not, people are flakes.So we made the drive, after a night of not sleeping well, and of course I call my friend to come get my stuff at her work, and she left it at home. The funny part is, I knew this was going to happen. Sort of annoying considering that was half the reason of my trip, but we made it to LA, met up with friends for a Sunday funday in Venice Beach. Life was feeling good that day and it all started with a motivating message at 8am in the morning from church. We stayed in LA a little longer than we should have, and I ended up drinking a little to much, and texting people I shouldn't have. Well, it's not that I text anything crazy---it's just that I should lay off. Whatever. Here goes my 2 months of laying off. For real.

Then we headed back to SD, and I could barely stay awake at the wheel. Stopped at Jack in the Crack for a milkshake, which I know goes so terribly against my veganism, but I wanted one. Of course overall weekend included spending way to much money that I don't have. Ugh.

So here I am back to the grind Monday. Writing this blog in an open outlook box, because well -- I am soon VERY MUCH over this. I know I should be lucky, and I am totally blessed, but when my heart, gut and soul are telling me to do other things, I can't stop but daydream in the middle of my days. I got my review today, and in the back of my head I kept thinking, "well if all goes as planned" I will be on to bigger and better in 3 months. I don't know if I am making the right choice to rent out my condo and possibly quit my job to pursue the next step, but at the end of the day, it feels right. A little part of my wants to have nothing to worry about for am onth in the summer, and then go back to a rad job in LA. Hoping it can works itself out like that. I can't feel confined anymore. Some may call my crazy, others my envy me, but at the end of the day I have truly learned to listen to your heart.

I am sick of putting so much energy into work, I want a balance, a boyfriend a travel life, I want it all. Hoping this new phase will bring that to me. I've stopped looking for love, and started living in the moment. Or at least I try for hours at a time, to make up for the rest of the time that feels overwhelming, confusing and weird.

Where was I going with this?Oh yeah, the announcement of my awesome weekend. Where I learned note to self: don't put so much energy out on men. And note to self # 2. Do what you need to do to move back to LA.

Amen.

Los Angeles.

It's interesting the spell that LA cast's on one.

It's a love hate relationship, with a big melting pot in between,

Sometimes filled with sugar, sometimes filled with spice.

But I love it.

I spent the past 72 hours up there.

Really trying to let it sink in.

Not just get wrapped up in the everyday chaos but I dove right in.

Letting my gut feeling take over and let my mind try to rule out my emotion.

Easy to get caught up in temptation.

But at the end of the day, I feel it in me.

LA is where it happens.

I want to be a part of it again and eat, sleep, breath it.

I guess i'm a city girl, and it's okay to admit it.

Okay to want your dreams to come to true in the city of opportunities and the city of broken dreams.

What do I have to loose? I'm still young, single, fun, sassy, smart, and ready to take that city by storm just like everyone else is. I tried to be a bigger fish in a smaller pond, but it's not me. I need a pulse, and people with vision. I think I need to do it. All bullshit put aside, I think I need to move back up. I hate feeling constrained in San Diego. I hate not meshing with anyone with a similar mindset time after time, and meeting lame as men who only care about day time drinking.

And if I do this, and feel discontent after, well then so be it. But we have to manifest our own destiny. I want Los Angeles to happen. I pray for new opportunities and the the excitement of starting a new life up there, with new people. Excited to get to know some of the people I left off with better.

When in doubt, make a change.

I think I need this, i'm excited.

Now I need to get my ass into shape.

After the mini vacay.

Life is so interesting. For once, maybe I do want to take the road less taken. So what if I don't have a job right away. Is it so wrong to admit I sort of want a month of doing nothing? Just a month, that's all then an awesome job would be nice.

I realize what i'm leaving and what i'm getting into.

But Los Angeles, you are home.

San Diego, you will be there for me when i'm ready to raise kids, and settle.

So here's lookin out to the future. Excited.

Keep on thinking positive.

I'm moving back.

Yayyy :)

The last straw standing.

I love you like a sister but I can't stand to tell you the truth.

I'm the last straw standing, and so through thick and thin I try to hang on

But t the end of the day my energy empties out.

I can't take the drama, the gossip, the go around in circles...

some things never change.

I don't know how to tell you this.

Without any drama, and so then I think to myself

Don't say anything at all.

I do love you like a sister, I do.

But everything in moderation.

And when I bond with people who are on the same page with me,

i sometimes wish we could all be one big happy family.

but we tried and it doesn't work.

it's okay to make new friends.

it's okay to go in phases.

it's okay to do what ya wanna do at the end of the day.

cuz it's my life.

and i love you.

but i'm the last straw standing, and my drink is almost empty.

please forgive me.

i love you like a sister.

but i can stand the drama.

and ain't tryin to have that in my life.

i do hope one day you understand.

I pray for you.

What if.

The clock on the wall for once would work.
I wouldn't have to wonder what time is it.
I would just look up and know.

What does timing have to mean these days anyways?
It's everything and more, to tell the truth.

Maybe there's a little part of my patience that is getting inpatient.
I wonder, with all the wall flowers in your world, what you really think about.

I don't wonder all the time, just at certain times, and then I wonder - what your clock is telling you.
If I was there and you were here, would there be a tick-tock to the clock?

If only time could tell, and clocks could work and timing would time up well for once, in my f'ing life.

Then I might be more into you.

You know what I mean?
There's a certain part of me that thinks you do;)

Word up.

Sometimes you have to be spur of the moment.

First off, does anyone actually read this blog? I guess I've sorta unpublished it for fear of weirdo stalkers.

Anywho. So today after my amazing morning at church and shenaniganing with my mom, I drove to my friends place to drop off her spare set of keys and to save her a trip from coming to me, since she was moving. As I was driving away and got caught my a red light, I glanced over at the really good looking guy (in a Lexus), and he looked at me. Then I became all oddly shy for a second and acted like I didn't see him look, even though I knew he was thinking she's "acting like she doesn't see me." So I wanted to say something but didn't. It's sort of funny because I never am shy except for sometimes around men. I guess that's the one category I've never really excelled in.

So the next light caught us and I saw him looking at me so I thought "screw it." Rolled down my window, and said "hey i'm tiffany." so we sort of gave each other a 10 second speech, I asked him flirtatiously if he wanted my number, but I ended up getting his. So then he asked me what I was up to and he said he was driving to PB for his friend's BBQ. Sort of funny, that I live and was heading home to PB too.

So we parted ways on the freeway, and I called him when I exited. We totally chatted on the phone got to know each other and met up for a drink 30 minutes later. It was fun. He had good energy we vibed, and definitely were on the same page with a lot of things. Not sure if it's a total match made in heaven, but it looks like we are going to hang again, and if nothing else, it was a reminder that sometimes, granted i'm a Leo, it's fun to live in the moment and be spontaneous at times. I figured what did I have to lose. The whole thing was just ironic, because I was suppose to be on a date tonight, and my friend was suppose to come by my place, so it was an example of how funny it is the way life works, and the way the littlest thing like changing up the order of a day or plans for an evening can sometimes all sync together. Life is cool like that sometimes. I kinda hope this kid calls.

On another note, I was so amazingly inspired by the music at the Rock today (The Wrecking) that I went up and bought a cd after, and walked away. I really wanted to say something to the band members so after walking in and out of the lobby 10 times trying to find my mom, i mustered up the courage and talked with Jon from the band. I told him of how I used to work at a major mainstream label and life took a turn, and after hearing them play today and worship and rock out for the right reasons, i just felt and feel so called to work in music and christian music. It was so cool to talk to him. He wasn't a rock star he was a person, and told me to read the story of Paul, because a lot of musicians have told him similar things, and how Paul was once in my shoes, confused and middle of the line perhaps, and he went for it and did it with passion. The five P's I suppose. So then I asked him if I could give him my card, he gave me his, and then I realized I didn't have cards on me which never happens, so I told him i'd email him. It was cool. I told him I would LOVE to work at Universal Christian side of the label. It just felt and feels like a calling, like I don't have to give up everything. Like I could potentially live in LA again and work at this rad big label with rad christian people and bands and music and feel fulfilled not only on the career front but mentally and emotionally and spiritually as well. I felt so excited walking out of church. The same gut excitement I felt when I knew I had to go to Boston and Emerson for college and the same gut excitement I had when I knew I had to move to LA and make that job at a major label happen rain or shine. In the words of Miles today "God wants you to do it BIG." And Lord, I pray you bless me. I want to shine in that light.

Today was cool. I'm in a new flow again. And while I respect the flow of Barbara Marks Hubbard, It;s not the flow I want to be saved by. It's not the flow that will bless the highest. Praise the biggest.

I'm excited for the future. Life is rad sometimes. Think positive at all times and manifest.

Peace.