I wonder.

If you think about me.

It's weird.

I miss you.

I'm sure your mind is a like, where when it's running it's running and the day goes by. But I wonder, in those solitary moments of the day, if I run across your head.

Why do I feel so connected?

I wonder if and when you feel connected to someone in life, man, woman, friend, whomever, do they feel the same way about you? Do the think about you from time to time and wonder when the next time will be yet never say anything because life just sometimes goes by and the minutes turn into hours and the hours turn into days? Particularly men.

Is it so horrible to admit a connection?

I kind of miss you.

my head feels cloggy.

you'd make it clear.

Dazed and Confused, but not really.

Some days we wake up with a clear head, sure of the future, the past and the present.
Ever-clear and sun-kissed days with excitement, love, hope, energy flowing well.

Other days we're a lost soul.
A kid at heart, and only child.
Wanting to love, the love we never had.

Some days we're a sure fire sign of spit fire and adrenaline
And then we wake up, alone, frightened, feeling lost from the night before.
The long nights, the short days.

Not the lifestyle we want anymore, trying to hard to find balance, and balance it out.

Guilty is no pleasure,
but pleasure is sometimes ohh so pleasurable.

...Life is strange. Some days I feel like I grasp it well other days I feel lost and confused, not sure which way to turn. Spiritually trying to figure it all out, and missing my spiritual family.
I want to find it all, happiness, truth, love, I know where it lies. Why is it so difficult to commit?

"We all got wooden nails"...

I don't want to be middle of the line.

Hope. pray. love. manifest.

Souls.

People are definitely soul connected in this world.

I totally believe that you meet people in this world, whether it be randomly or through friends, or by accident for a reason.

It's the type of connection, where you can read what someone's vibe is and feel what they are feeling. Where you can think about them, and look at your phone and there's a text message. Where you feel all warm inside thinking about seeing them again. This intensity might heighten with men. Where you know down the line, that there won't ever be any negativity between because the soul will be connected.

And sometimes I wonder, why did we meet?

Soul connected for sure -- we are few far and between in this world. And even if it doesn't click on a level we may fancy. We are one. For sure.

One Love.

Frustrated. Confused. I want.

Frustrated, that night after night I come home from a long day's work to an empty home.
Some day's happier than others.
Other days depressing and overwhelming.
Balance is key to life, yet I have no love.

Single and sick of it.
He was right, I do want a relationship in the near future and sometimes I do question how I will balance it all out, but with the right person balance will become indescribably natural.

This past weekend, I had a sexy, intriguing, intelligent, soul connected, London man come down and visit me. For a few days, I felt that exciting feeling again. That feeling of connection, of warmth and your tummy telling you that someone likes you, and you like them back. I was nervous and excited. The weekend happened, and it was good, I had some tensions built up from my busy schedule, but for the most part I played it breezy. This man and I click on a level that feels natural off the bat. I was excited to come home to him. I want him. Until he ruined my flow with the questions. The over-bearing questions of love, lust, marriage and relationship.

Does he remember what he asked? Does he remember my answers? I only know the guy shy of three weeks, and it felt so intense. It felt like it went from excitement and anticipation and wonder to a realization, probably one that was for the best. I'm saddened. I'm not going to lie, I do want a relationship sometime soon and I want that to lead to marriage and a family and the whole nine yards. But why did he come down then? Was nothing of that genuine? My gut doesn't tell me so.

Frustrated. Back to feeling single. Maybe I shouldn't let up, but he can reach out. Because I'm a little confused of what all that was.

It sucks coming home to an empty house. It's the holidays. Here I sit again. I want to see him again, I want the butterfly feeling to turn into reality. I want to show him I can be that girl he never knew existed.

Lord, help me. Bring it together for me, just this once. please.

It's not fair.

Love sucks.
Men suck.

Confused.

Los Angeles

This past week has been a week of amazing music and soul/spiritual connectivity. I cannot articulate well enough how awesome last weekend was and even more so, the new people I met who I consider soul connected. This whole week was great. From the music to Thanksgiving, the energy was right on. But then there came LA.

I drove up to LA yesterday spur of the moment. I wanted to go up to suprise my good friend who needs some suprising in her life, and I admit, I was sort of hoping to see this sexy british man I met in San Diego. But of course, that did not go as hoped and the night got a bit dramatic, and i felt trapped again in the middle of a messy situation -- just the synergy of it ruined my energy. And do I woke up today and realized I am done with LA at least for the time being. It feels so fucking chlastraphobic up there, and while I love my sister up there, my lifestyle is not one of partying at all hours of the day and sleeping from 6am - 2pm. It totally ruined my flow a bit. But its all good, sometimes you learn about life that way and people and places. I feel bad I came and went but felt so refershed getting out of that circle.

There will always be people who will be a part of my heart but it was a chapter I am putting behind for the moment. I know working with GINA RENE will give me the satisfaction I am looking for on the music front. And the people front and the soul connected front.

I don't know where i'm going with this. I'm deliriously tired. But i'd like to take note of mentioning the sexy english man I met last weekend. While I don't think it was love at first site, it was definitely a soul connection at first site. That type of person where you think about him and then they call. I am putting it out there that it will work out to see you again. That all vibes are good. I would love for that to work in my favor.

Delirious...time for bed...

the older you get.

the older you get the less you stop worrying.
stop putting the energy out on people....
who don't put in their two cents,
men who don't give you the response you deserve,
friends who go behind backs,
gossipers and negative nancy's,
people who go so far as to "delete" you from a social network in fear of exploiting
what's already exploited.
Inmature and lame, these people can be.

The older I get, I stop caring, I play it breezy, it's not worth the energy to figure people out or to over-analyze a situation or a phone call or a person or a fucked up situation that you know about but would just rather stay neutral too. People are very interesting. The older I get the more I learn about people. I'm not perfect by any means either. So in the meantime, i'm just going to stop letting people get under my own skin, continue to surround myself with the flow of people who make me grow, not the flow of people who do not know.

My turn.

When will it be my turn.
To wake up each morning next to that smile that will last a lifetime.

Sick of waiting to find love.
I wonder why we are soul connected to people?

I feel a connection to him, and him, and him too yet it would never work.
It is about timing in this life time.

Love is all about timing in this world.
I'm sick of my watch not working.
Sick of my clock breaking.
Sick of my heart going in circles with thoughts
that feel right and thoughts that get me excited only to be burned.

When's it my turn?

I'm ready to feel it again, find it again, devote to it again.

If timing was right, maybe it would work.
Connection is deep.
Are we both the black sheep?

I want love.

"Jesus Christ I'm alone again."

I wake up from my sleep
And realize it was all a dream.

I'm still sitting here. Waiting.

Do you think about me too?

Sometimes I just want a clue.
I could be ready for you.
If timing was right.

When's it my turn?

Fall.

There is something very warming a about a crisp Saturday morning, sleeping in a bit, waking up not hungover, lighting an insense in my home, (which still weirds me out to say home), making fresh coffee because I actually have time to make it, using Gingerbread flavored creamer, thinking about what I have to do today, and realizing...well, really nothing...at least for another 6 hours.

Summer used to be my favorite, until I realized I am really not a lay in the sun type of girl. I love the calming sounds of the beach, but will never be one to lay out for no reason and try to get tan. Not even if I accurately fit in a bikini. I have a problem with ladies wearing a bikini when they don't fit in one, I think it's unflattering, but hey now that's a whole other story. Summer is lovely for the flip flops, and tanks, and good dose of vitamin c that gives me a bronze for no more than a day.

But then there is Fall, and the older I get the more time I have used to stop and enjoy the crisp air, the warm feeling in the air, the pumpkin flavored lattes, cute boots and scarves that are out. I heart Fall.

I don't know where i'm going with this, my idea was to write a poem again, but I got distracted bt Facebook, pre-blog.

Now if only I can find a man. I miss the days of waking up and doing nothing together for awhile then walking to the bagel shop together. It's the simple things that make love special. I totally yearn to find that again.

Perhaps Love is in the air.

Ohh fall, you are quite lovely.

Something in the air.

There is something in the sky these days
And I cant quite taste it with my pallet.
There is something in the sky though that’s lingering
Changing the mood of the happy and the go-lucky
Changing the mood of the crisp fall air
Changing the mood of the people who should come together
In good times and in bad
Changing the flow of the rhythm of the beat
Changing the flow of the once felt steam heat
Changing the flow of the talk and the walk
With those who carry on the poppytalk

There is something in the sky that’s altering the vibe
Of the night, of the day, of the afternoons that turn into days of non stop filibustering
There is something in the air that is catching me off guard, and not just me but the people I meet And the folk I want to greet.

Perhaps it is the full moon
Id like to blame it on that
The sea is crashing waves but not in a timely order.
The moon is not hiding behind a foggy sky
It is there, changing the way we speak, see and feel
Changing the rythym of the next 24 hours and the last 24 hours
Changing the motion of the notion you thought was flowing well.
But only now we can say, only time will tell.
It’s the moon
The full moon
That’s out to get us in the crisp fall air.
Do you feel it too?
Strange, isn’t it?

Thank goodness for wine. Red wine that is. On a chilly fall night.

It's not summer anymore.

The lights go out at 7pm now and it starts to feel like winter is around the corner.
Where did summer go?
What happened to the evenings of chilled white wine, good times, and good men?
It's getting darker outside.
The cold months are just around the corner.
The smell of cinnamon and pumpkin creep up each year faster than the one before.

And will I go another winter with no love?
Another Holiday season, single and sick of the mingle?
Somehow I never found my summer fling.

It's not light out anymore.
What happened to the days of carefree nights and dazed over days?
Life goes by fast and faster.

Each year I wonder what will unfold.
I want it all.
I want to travel and see the light of the world.
The summer of the Australian Coast and South America too.

Perhaps I made a mistake, settling down.
This isn't where I want to be--forever.
It just feels right for now.

But then there are the moments where I wake up,
And realize it's not summer anymore.
That that evening glow doesn't satisfy me the way it used too.

Hopefully next summer, it will stay a little brighter out
For years to come.

Dateless in San Diego.

I dont get it. I'm a 27 year old, attractive, professional, condo-owning, fun, outgoing, intelligent, ambitious, chill, female who can't a date for the life of me or so it seems. In the past two weeks i've met 3 or 4 guys all of whom i've spent great nights with at a bar or wherever else, chillin, having a few drinks, bonding, conversating...all of whom could make a a great future date, kiss and all, they all have given me the infamous "i'll call you" line and never call. Why? I wish someone could nswer this for me other than that "He's Just Not That Into You" blockbuster hit.

If he wasn't that into me, why would he have devoted an entire night to me? Was I suppose to be a muse and hop into bed with him, round one? That's not my style.

I don't know where i'm going with this, other then men seriously fucking suck. It's Saturday night and while I had options, I opted to go home, I was out and about with a co-worker and my options consisted of meeting gay best friend Kevie downtown at Bitter End. I attempted to drive down there and told myself if I scored parking I would go. Got downtown and parking was horrible, wome dressed in slutty Forever 21 class-less outfits and way too many drunks from the Padres game wandering around. So then I attempted to call the HOT (Scorpio) man who I met last week in South Park to see if he wanted to meet up. I shouldn't have called I know, I know. But fuck it. What is soooooooo wrong with casually calling some guy who is cool (and was an amazing kisser) to see if he wants to meet up for a drink? It's not marriage for Gods Sake, it's a cocktail and conversation.

Well, decided to go home and my other gay good friend from work wanted me to come play in Hillcrest. I would have been down to mingle with men, who are actually fun and cool and on my side, but I knew the night wouldn't be ending in an hour. And well, I guess you know you are getting older when it's 11:15 pm on a Saturday night and all you really want to do is go home and chill. Or chill with a man and a movie, but at this rate that feels like it's never going to happen.

I don't get it. I'm a great catch. If I do say so myself, and in this city it is beginning to feel impossible to get a date. Men were much more forward in LA. I liked it. I go back and forth between realizing a guy isn't going to call and a week and half after the fact saying fuck it, and calling him...like tonight. Who's to make up the dating rules anymore? So sick of that.

Men are confusing. Why do you spend time and energy pursuing a female for a night, and then nothing after? Why do you follow-up with a text the next day and then say you are going to call and never call? A part of me feels like it's all part of this major ego trip.

What am I doing wrong? Nothing. You men suck, most of you. You're missing out.

At least in the meantime, I had option tonight - with two of my favorite (gay) men, who love me for who I am and think i'm fabulous.

Sincerely Yours,
Carrie Bradshaw.

or so it seems.

Bday.

This year's gonna be great.
It's all about manifesting the positive and believing in answered prayer.

Cheer's to a lovely bday.
But you know you're getting older when
Bday's seem hard to plan
The circle of people you want to celebrate with
Dissapear in their own adventures
It is what it is, but all the same I have learned alot looking back
And parts of life can be wack

People are flaky...wait let me say it again
FLAKY. I've learned that is one thing I can't tolerate well.
You learn who your true friends are
So sick of excuses from people and life in general
Texts over-rule a cordial call
People are self-consumed
It's healthy to not sweat things
and not let people get under your skin
Men, pretty much suck
Although, I'm still hopig to find my diamond in the rough

26 was a year of learning
A year of growing
into me a little more
finding my depth
realizing that i'm a pretty relaxed person
and have confidence in myself
A year of transition

27 will be a year of positive happenings
a year of growing with God, while still
somehow balancing out life
A year of good health
A year of good travels
A year of smiles not crys
Laughter not anger
Love not like
Success not dreams
27 will be a year of fun without games
I think i'm ready to take it on.
It's hit me, this year - feeling older.
I finally feel like an "adult"
Bring it on 27.
I'm ready.

Peace.
Happy Birthday to Me.

Fuck it.

Here's a Carrie Bradshaw entry for you.

Fuck the whole dating game. I'm so sick of it. Yes i've had a glass of wine, okay make that two in me, but i've still got my fucking sanity and fuck the whole dating game. I was sitting here thinking of how Friday night I met this cool guy, and Saturday morning he felt like a much better catch, as I woke up with him being all sensitive to me spooning, kissing, acting in bed how I would with someone as if i were dating them. And trust, me i'm NOT the one night stand type of girl but it happend. And in my head while it was happening i was thinking of my ex telling me how to play the "game" and to read Why Men Love Bitches because in a nut shell chapters 1-3 explains not to sleep with a guy on date 1.

But fuck it. I needed some, was in the moment, and it's almost 2010. Which brings me to my next point. We met Friday, It's now Wednesday night...in any sort of "dating game" he should have called by now, considering Saturday in the day he texted me "You're hot I would love to take you to dinner and drinks, I'll call you." WIth that said, he was obvisouly into me. I wasn't by any means waiting around my phone for him, but in the back of my head, he could have called it's Wednesday. Men today are so fucking lazy. Thinking they can call a lady a week or two later because they have had a busy week is total bullshit. I've had a pretty busy week too and i'm around. I'm also a great catch. So i texted him. Man, I sounds so 2009, but i was sitting here a little pist at the fact that once again men suck, and was debating for a sec to give him another day or two and the i thought to mysef - Fuck It. Who is to say what the dating rules are these days? It all seems to be about text and email anyways. Who's to determine a guy is suppose to call a girl. I mean yes, it should happen like that - and in a world full of chivalry that would. But I wanted to say hi, so I gave in and just texted him "How are you?" I figured by this point I should have either gave him the benefit of the doubt or waiting a week for him to call and that's when I thought, Fuck it. I'm going to text him. He will either a) text me back with some lame message or b) never text and get turned off by my text and never call ...and the later of the two option well, then fuck it, i'm over it anyways and i'ts the story of my so-called life.

So there ladies, I had to vent. So sick of trying to "wait arounf" for the desginated call. A part of me love that, but more often then not a part of my genuinely feels like it's a new century and who cares who makes contact with who. He will either read that text as "she's too eager" or realize I kind of genuinely wanted to say "Hello." Hopefully the later of the two.

I'm over it. I don't think there's any definition to men vs. women these days. Honestly, the older I get, I don't think so.

I also somehow managed to email my ex "How's life" in genuine hopes of just hearing back from him how he is doing, and also calling my crush...when really he owes me a call.

Whatever. Just got sick of the waiting around scene tonight. Perhaps that's why men get intimidated from me. I'm not a doormat by anymeans anymore, i'm just legit and sick of bullshit and dating "games."

Let's cut to the chase.

Getting Older.

I'm not as good as updating as I should be, or would like to be. But I do randomly have blog thoughts come cross my head, so here is to trying to be consistent a little more.

I have two more weeks left of being 26. And it's kind of weird. I feel like I need to live it up and be in the moment, and while that definitely was the definition of last night's festivities, and wednesday nights as well, tonight on the other hand, makes me realize...I am getting older. As I sit on the couch, delirious from the night before, and wanting to get out and do something but want nothing to do with anything cocktail related.

I'm turning 27 soon, and I feel like I am getting older. It's strange thinking 22 years olds are young, because just yesterday seems like I was there. 26 was not a bad year, but a year of transition. I've learned a lot about myself, life, and people in general. I somehow feel more confident with who I am. Not that i've ever been one to be insecure, but we all have out insecurities whether we like to admit them or not, this year I have just grown to not care. I am who I am mode, so to say. I think that all came from me my one time Sunday experience at Agape, and some inspiring words from Church as well. I don't let other people get under my skin, and while I have realized life is full of "flakiness" in general, the older we get the harder it is to keep in touch with people. You realize you may only have a few close friends, but it's better to have a few close friends than one million aquaintances. You realize life, really does go by fast, and things can happen in a years time that change your direction of life by 360 degrees. You realize to not let under people get under skin and it takes two to tango to make a friendship. And if people don't put in their effort, sometimes it's just not worth it. You realize, while dating is fun, meeting guys with depth and soul is what really captures the mind, body and soul.

At times I feel ahead of my game for 26, at times I feel like I want to drop it all and go travel the world and rack up a Visa card with valuable "experience."

26 has been a year of transistion. In this year I have, just as a quick re-cap, moved back to San Diego, finally got a job title that is fullfilling, found God again, supporting my mom through breast cancer, bought a condo, still struggling to totally fit in, in SD...althought it is slowly coming to place, and i'm trying to have patience with it, learned that manifesting postitive thoughts really does work. 27 is going to be a great year. I want to take a big trip to Europe again, hopefully Greece, or South America. I want to (really) get into photography again, work on some side gigs in music down here, and ...well, at the top of a list...meet a man. I know sometimes we just have to stop looking, but it would be really nice to go to the Holidays this year and answer the question, of yes, I actually am dating a great guy. It's been awhile, and I am ready to be in a fullfilling relationship again. I think I needed some time to build up more of "me" this year I have done so. I'm ready to find that, and while SD is filled with a pool full of men who don't know how to buy a lady a drink anymore, are shy or just to laidback to get a girls number, I know my soul mate is probably right under my feet, in my own home town.

It's 8:53 and I'm exhasuted. Partly feeling like I should get out and live it up, but don't have the energy. haha. I'm getting older. Cheers to turning "27"...man, that sounds so old!

Pockets

An old acquaintance of mine, who I ran into a few months ago and have been playing let's try and get together but it never happens tag- told me San Diego is a city full of pockets.
I didn't believe it at first, but as I keep spending time in the different areas of this city, it's totally a city full of little communities, each with their own vibe. The difference between the pockets of San Diego versus LA is that here, the pockets have a sense of community.
I experienced that today while sitting for 6 hours in the hot sun at the Art on Adams festival. My friend who was with me was raving about how cool and funky that part of town is, and I told her back in the day Normal Heights, used to be the "Ghetto." Now it's filled with art lovers and indie crowd and vegans. Same thing with Kesington. I drove by remembering how at one time I would have been scared to drive east of the 15 on Adams Ave, and close to sunset the cute little bars and restaurants were filled with people enjoying their Saturday evening. Most of whom, most likely aren't from San Diego. We really are becoming a rarity these days. And then there is South Park, it still has it's slum streets, but it's filled with cool locals and great little bars. I never thought I would feel comfortable walking down the street at 11 pm to Claire De Lunes, and last Saturday night - there I was, and didn't even think twice about it.
It's amazing how gentrification happens.
People come together.
It's a warm feeling.
They create a sense of community.
They fill those empty pockets.

Ugh. Timing.

Happy Memorial Day 2009. Today was interesting. I slept in, went for a run, which is a new found hobby of mine, then went to the beach with a friend and while we wanted to stay there all day after stumbling across the new and beloved Pale Ale House, I had to a go to a "business meeting" and she had to go play tennis.

Long story short, I ditch my day to go on a business meeting with a dude I must have given my card out too about 3 months ago. We sat there at sushi, and as time slowly passed the sushi never came. I thought the meeting was going to be about how he wanted me to help him promote these new club nights he's taking on with this company that promotes Ferrari and what not, and while I do believe that was a part of it, the whole thing kind of became awkward as he started to be interested in my "deal" a little bit more, and was totally distracted from the "business" aspect of it. Non the less, to cover my own ass, I got his info and will be sure to check in on his ass with my music industry fam.

So then I should have went to my car, but I just wanted a hot tottie or something warm and delicious, and was sort of pissed that I drove downtown, ohh by the way, not even to have sushi since the service was horrible, and just wnated a drink by that point. So I ended up casually walking into the Westin downtown, and while the bartender said there wasn't any hot water or coffee, he talked me into a lovely malbec. Which, 4 glasses later, was delicious.

Here it is 6 hours later, and I somehow had an amazing night, with a man, the bartender from the Westin, whom which I hope I will see again. And don't want to label it as "I Will never see again."

We sat there at the bar, casually talking when I realized that underneath that beard, he was very sexy, and I was soon eager to learn more. We were talking, semi-bonding, and for a second I thought to myself, I bet he has a girlfriend. Somehow 3 glasses of Malbec later, and one way to long convo with a military brat and smarty pants from Michigan, I found myself asking the bartender what he was up too. He was going to meet a friend, and then I offered to buy him a drink.

So we went to the Yard House and he bought me some chicken wings because I realized I had never eaten and he started to shoot the shit over a glass of Jamison on the rocks, about his girlfriend who he lives with who he wants to break up with, because she freaks out when he goes out, and apparently broke his cell phone last night. He is 29. He's not young. BUT, I new instead of being a flirt, I had to try with all my might to be the cool girl that he can shoot the shit with, and I couldn't help to feel EXACTLY like the bartender from The Hills most recent episode, when Heidi doesn't trust Spencer, and the cool bartender at the Dime ...was in tonight's instance me. I tried to tell him, that a healthy relationship shouldn't be like that, i felt like a huge devil's advocate, but at the same time I had some cocktails in me, and wanted him badly, and I could tell if he was single, he would have well wanted the same. So somehow it came out of me "I probably have my shit together 10 times more than you're girlfriend, and I can probably rock your world 10 times more than she can too." Whoops.

I didn't mean to say it but it's true. Here I sat. slowly starting to think about how my 3 hours of free validation at Horton Plaza slowly started to turn into 50 bucks of parking, but somehow I was living the moment and it was worth it. We had too much in common he lives in PB, where I am soon moving and he is an SD native. His good friend soon drove from the beach to meet him for a drink. We all bonded, and soon after they were off to PB to go have a guys night.

Okay, all in all, I think a lot more bonding and "cool" moments happened, than just explained, but long story short. I went into a hotel for a glass of wine, found myself at a bat 4 hours later with the amazing bartender, and his friend at Yard House, wanting to give him my number but his girlfriend had broken his phone the night before, so I took his number. His friend invited me to a mansion party on the 4th of July. I didn't have to pay for parking, because this Bobby of a bartender went to his car to give me his 5 days left of a parking permit in Horton Plaza. We hugged a hug, that should have been a kiss, and called it a night.

Tonight was awesome. I sincerely hope that I see both Bobby and his friend again. I hope that he realizes there are amazing women in the world he needs to get to know, like me. Because timing is a bitch. It's the story of my life. And i'd be lieing if I were to say, I don't want to see him again.

This was a soul - mate, call me crazy, or call me smart.

Memorial Day Weekend. Once Again.

It's funny how time flys. It truly does. I was jogging around Mission Bay earlier today, taking in the smell of delicious BBQ on the grills and jet skies around the bay, just thinking of how truly blessed I feel to be living in San Diego once again, a city that so many people flock too. I feel blessed. Which brought me to my next thought: It's funny how so much can change in a year. This time last year, I just moved into a studio apartment in Hollywood, CA. I was sick of my job, and so ready for a new change, I was barely making rent and living pay check to pay check, I had a man, who I thought was a potential "soul mate," and I felt content with life, relying on the fact of many substances worth of cocktails to make me feel that way, and the cloud nine feeling that comes along with lust and love. My world felt content.

Exactly one year later. I'm now living again in San Diego. I am a condo owner in Pacific Beach, CA...not exactly sure when or how that happened, i'm still single, but...I have a job that i'm totally happy with and even though the pay is kind of crappy, it's completely full-filling. I will soon be living 8 blocks from the beach, I have a good amount of friends in SD, but I still long to fit in with a "group" of friends, rather than people here and people there. I guess that comes with time. I still long to find more full-filling people in my life, who have depth to them and are just down to earth and real. I'm want to find love, but I guess a summer fling or two won't hurt, I'm slowly loosing touch with my LA life - that felt so complete at once, and the people I surrounded myself up there. I'm Christian, and found God 6 months ago. Althought I still enjoy a cocktail, and probably some good s-x too. I've dug a little deeper this year. I'm all for manifesting and reading about the Law of Attraction. I'm excited to take part in a "San Diego" summer once again, and do thinks like play Volleyball, Jet ski, meet cute men, and ride my bike. I'm getting fit, and am convinced I will be able to look good in a two piece this year, because I think i'm not a fan of wearing one, if you don't have the body for one. I will soon be broke again. Sometimes I feel totally content, other times I feel like I still need to find my place. It's beautiful outside. My mom has cancer.

So cheers, to the kick-off a great summer. I can't wait to host a 4th of July party. I will find new friends down here, and a man, and become closer with my family, and have time for a vacation, and pimp out my condo, and become closer to God, and live a positive life.

Funny, how times flys. Off to a BBQ.

Wishful thinking.

I was walking through the UCSD campus today, and saw signs all over for something I never experienced in life. And it brought me to thinking about regret. There are people that tend to hold onto regret, and people who would rather forget. I am a for- getter. But, I was motivated today to think about regret. There are two things in life I regret.

1. Not spending more time with my grandma before she passed away, knowing that she was just down the street at an old folks home. I'm sure there were stories beyond stories, I could have listened too. I'm sure my simply daily pleasures would have brought a smile to her face, on the days where she was left alone, in a room filled with like being, who couldn't remember the two hours prior.
2. Not every studying abroad in college, or taking time off after to go explore the world.
It's not too late, but it's also not reality right now. Although i often, often, think about how I would like that to be my reality, just for a year.
The road less traveled intrigues me. It's funny, because at first glance it's not what I seem, not how I think i'm perceived. But, it's much of my soul.

Something about the unique, the souls that aren't the norm, attracts me much. Dare I admit. Especially with men, and the circle of friends I am trying to re-create.

Cheers.

headspace.

locked in a room that's the size of a box
with my luggage ready to burst at the seems.
but yet i sit and find content to the energy of the wildest dreams.

i wonder why the lacking quality is so popular?
why not many have that depth to their soul.
perhaps that's why i struggle to find,
those one of a kinds.

it's a world full of wonder.
and i'm so ready to seize.

learning is growth.
growth is a blessing.

people are people.
flaky and bold.
pre-occupied and cold.

it's a growing stage for me.
i've even learned to love tea.
and might soon own my very own key.
and am so ready to feel that pure glee.

intuitive souls think a-like.

it's just the beginning of a hike.

my headspace spinning, once again.

carpe diem.

March Madness.

Well well well, time for an update. I realize I haven't been consistent with updating this, but that's no to say I don't have random ideas in my head of blogs or stories I want to write, because I get them all the time! But for one reason or another don't end up writing.

So here goes my update. San Diego circa March 2009. A year ago, where was I? Living in a once nice- but turned crappy two bedroom apartment in Hollywood by myself because my roommate spur of the moment decided to move back to Michigan, and excited to move into my awesome and oohh so missed at times lovely large, yet over prices $1200 a month studio in Hollywood. I was job sick, but now look back and realize how lucky I was to have even had a job in the record industry considering that way too many good people were let go. I was in a weird, loosing touch with some of my LA friends stage, but loving that one of my best friends from high school was coming into town, and I had just met a guy that I eventually fell wayy to deep for, only to be heartbroken once again.

Today...i'm actually realizing that living in SD is making me pretty content. At times I miss LA terribly and the city hustle and bustle of it all, but just like Boston, it kind of all came and went in a blur. At the end of the day, it's only 2 hours away. San Diego is a lovely city. People are genuinely really open and friendly, especially the native, who now more so than ever tend to have a pride about them (myself included), because so many people are implants these days! I constantly wonder if people were always implants to this city, and perhaps I just See it now because before this just a kid the last time I lived here. Overall, the city is refreshing and comfortable. San Diego has this fresh air smell too it, I know it sounds corny, but it really does...and sometimes when I leave for work in the morning, or i'm driving down the 5 freeway, i totally stop for a second and have a moment, a comforting moment, that the smell I grew up with is once again here.

I'm really enjoying my job at La Jolla Playhouse. The people are awesome, (not AS awesome as the last set of work peoples), but definitely up in the awesome, I got lucky I work here, category.
I feel rewarded at the end of the day, and am proving to myself I AM good at what I always thought and knew I could do at a professional level.

Other than my day in and out routines, I'm staying busy, I've met a handful of great new girlfriends and have re-surfaced with some old ones, so the combination of the two and the openness of the cities mentality, has really brought to me a stability that I need. It's also been nice to be closer to some of my family. This past weekend, at my cousins Bar-Mitzvah, I realized I do have a pretty cool family, and I hope that I can try on my own to bring us all a little closer. Sometimes that's the "kids" responsibility as we get older.

I've also really want to be more active down here. SD is such an active lifestyle type of city, i'm proud of myself for taking on the large Cowles Mtn hike, and i've realized I really enjoy hiking, I'd also (still) like to get a bike, and make it to the beach every weekend. I think when I move to the west side, my beach active-ness will increase.

Which brings me to my next sort of surreal thought. I'm condo shopping. And i'd like to tap my own shoulder for a second, and give myself props, because I never thought in a million years I would be able to buy a place at 26 (my goal was by 30), but with the real estate market so low, it's actually giving people with moderate incomes and not amazing but good enough savings account to buy. It was a thought that after researching it more is about to become a reality, and i'm so excited. I start looking this weekend. I will pretty much be broke as a joke, afterwards, but I think having my own place will make me really feel like "this is where I live now," and i'm also pretty much obsessed with HGTV shows now. I hope and pray it all works out.

I'm still actively going to the ROCK church every Sunday and I signed up to serve in the Foster Care ministry. So basically for 2 hours a week, I will mentor a teen in need. Pretty cool. Sometimes I feel guilty not being involved more, but at the end of the day you gotta pick and choose what works for you, I think the Foster Care thang will work out just great for me. Finding spirituality again has been awesome.

The dating life. Should I just stop here? ha. It's pretty much non existent...still. I mean I go on dates, but for whatever reason it just doesn't go past that. I've heard so many theories on it, especially from the bartender who I was venting to the other night, but at the end of the day...I'm going to be myself from point one. I guess maybe the key really is to stop looking. Man, looking can be exhausting sometimes. And it's not like I actively "look" but just working yourself up about being single can get to a girl sometimes. I'm going to try to just focus 100 percent on me, and forget about it for awhile. I think whats really happening is He is sparing me from meeting people other than the One. Hope so.

Are you bored yet of my update? That's pretty much what's been goin on. I think it takes time to really transition into a new place, even if it is your own home town. The only thing that remains awesome for the time being, is the amazing Mexican food in San Diego, man...I seriously laugh at the people who are satisfied with La Salsa and think Baja Fresh is real Mexican food. It doesn't even begin to compare.

roller coaster.

life is a roller coaster.

it's crazy how one day life can finally start to feel back to normal, after a few twists and turns and then BAM! the ride just gets bigger and faster and deeper and scarier.

but that's life i guess. and yet i don't choose to sit here, gritting my teeth. i don't choose to sit here worried and scared. i hold on and ride the ride how i want too. dealing with the ups and downs and twists and turns in the way that i know how too, in the way that makes Me feel secure.

and i'll never know if it's right or if it's wrong, but i don't have much to hang onto but the bar in front of me. and in the end, if i just try to enjoy the ride and let go of that fear, i'll be okay. the ride will be smoother.

and i can easily sit here and wonder why all of a sudden this roller coaster has so many new turns, but without them, i guess, it wouldn't be half the journey.

and so...

i just try to sit back, relax, and hold on for the ride. smiling all the way through, laughing all the way through...that's how i ride the ride. it's my ride.

in His name.
i pray.
amen.

Men still suck.

Well not really, and not all the time, but lately yes.

I will leave this short but I am having another Carrie moment. I went on a great date almost two weeks ago, and he never called. The whole thing felt natural and comfortable, unlike a one on one interview, and we even had a little kiss at the end, which i normally only do if it feels right, but it did. And of course he never called. We sat there bonding and talking about everything. I don't get it. Okay okay maybe i do get it "he's just not that into you"...but I don't get how a guy can sit there and invest interest and have that comfort level feeling and even say let's hang again and then never call. I'd rather he spare me my two hours.

Who knows, perhaps it was my face turning red, as he mentioned he just turned the big 3-0 and then I asked him what sign he was and he said "Scorpio" with slight smirk. What did that mean? He even said "Yeah I'm a total Scorpio even my sister swears by it." He knew he was a full on Scorpio and i literally had to bite my lips from not saying any remark, since i promised myself i would never date a Scorpio again.

But what's funny is that for some odd reason every guy i meet is a f_uc_ing Scorpio. I don't get it! Literally almost every guy. I think I am drawn to them because they are somewhat like a puzzle to figure out, and i like to be kept on my feet, and that does it for me in some aspects. But after awhile i can't take that much of a challenging puzzle. Even though I know how to put one together well.

ummm yeah.

hey, at least it wasn't a post-it.

p.s. Today i have been 26 for 6 months. Happy half birthday to me. 27....scary.

tonight was random.

I swear I must be getting older, because Friday nights come around and I always debate whether I want to go out or stay in and just relax. Since my problem usually lies in the fact that when I choose to go out one glass of wine turns into much more, just because i tend to get my second wind. But tonight I met up with a good friend of mine and we went to the Whistle Stop in South Park.

And here's where it gets random...

I'm driving to the bar and I see a few cop cars, but keep on driving. I get to an intersection, almost at the bar and see what looks like 1000s of lights and cops....WTF. It was Critical Mass, a cyclist group in SD and all major cities composing of hundreds an hundreds of bicycle people, who meet the last Friday of every month to show the world ....well, basically in a nut shell, ....how to save gas! So there I was sitting at stop sign and literally could not move my car due to 1,000 ( no seriously) , people on their bikes passing by me. At first I was ticked, and then I started to think how cool it was, as the many great looking male bicyclists passed me by. So I then decided to crank up my stereo and find out what the hell is going on! I kinda was envious for a sec and wanted to be a part of it.

Sooo...in a month from now, i'm totally going to take part.

And I finally made it to the bar to meet a friend, and listen to some cool live tunes at the bar. My friend had to leave a little earlier than I had wanted, so I decided to hang outside for awhile longer. I started talking to these (lame) guys who were trying to detect my deal, when this cute (but short) guy was standing next to me and overheard me telling these (lame) guys of how I went to school in Boston, just moved back yada yada. So the new guy butt on in, and couldn't help to overhear out convo about Boston, and he just so happened to be from San Diego, ( La Mesa) actually. What a small world. La Mesa is the east county of SD, and not many (cool) people come from it. Do I dare say.

So after talking with this guy I find out his name is Cody. He then slowly starts to look familiar and I start too put two and two together as we reminisce about our childhood in La Mesa. Half way through the conversation I awkwardly ask him if he went to St. Lukes Elementary school, and sure enough it was the Cody T I remembered. Only back in the 5th grade, he was the school bully and did nothing but made fun of me, which actually took me years to get over. I definitely had my ugly duckling stage. So we couldn't get over how random it was that we met, and we joked over our four square days and him being a bully, because he seriously was such a nice guy that night. I did notice the ring on his finger, and turns out it was from his boyfriend, which also caught me be surprise because he was definitely the class cutie as well, total jock at the time...for as jock as a 6th grader can be.

So all in all, I had a pretty awesome night. We bonded about how flaky people can be these days and how that is soo not an east coast thing, at least not as bad. Ironically, while we made promises to hang out again we have yet to be in touch. But the night definitely made me feel like coming home was the right thing to do. I guess because I more often than not have been having my doubts of SD, little random things like this keep happening to me and makes me feel like it was definitely the right thing to do. At least for the time being. I ve decided that even though I don't love it here, I'm here for the right reason and maybe it will just take time for it to all fall into place. And if it doesn't i can always cross that bridge in a year from now. But i need to stick it out for a year, be here for my mom, my career, hopefully my love life, and realize that living in America's Finest City, despite the lack of close friends I have here these days, really isn't THAT bad. LA isn't going anywhere, and neither is San Francisco. I'm sure I'll be back. I just need to sit out a round and play my cards right.

working gal.

i remember being in my late teens and starting to read magazine's like Cosmo and Self magazine, and there would always be articles about the working gal, and things to do to burn calories and be healthy during the work week. i remember feeling lucky i didn't have to deal with that yet.

well, today, I realized i'm totally in the middle of it all. I'm a young working professional, and at mid career level, I am having such a difficult time balancing out a 9-6 full time job, traffic, social life, family time, and gym time. Key word: gym time.

This blog won't be long, nor meaningful, but I fully realize the difficulty now of why women tend to put on a few pounds as they advance in career. I am not a morning person as is, so while I have done it in the past - you know, wake up at 630am and go to the gym then treck to work, I was at a job where frankly my boss didn't care if I rolled in at 10 am, and there really wasn't much brain work involved with my day to day bullshit duties.

Now I have to function like a pro, and haven't been doing a very good job of maintaining a healthy workout schedule - which frustrates me because i seriously feel so crappy about myself when I am not in my best shape.

How am I suppose to fit it in? My week last week consisted of: Monday night pilates - good. Tuesday night - happy hour with some new girlfriends. Wednesday night - show at u31 with my bosses' husbands band. Thursday - happy hour and a show and more happy hour with an old friend. Friday - exhausted night in. Sat/Sun - worked out! This week - Monday - awards show so no pilates class. Tuesday - night in, exhausted from night before. Wednesday - Lost party night with some friends. Thursday - happy hour with my cousin, which we have been trying to plan for weeks now.

So I don't know where I am going with this blog, other than the fact that I really want to find a better balance, and found myself today doing a couple laps at lunch around the Ralphs shopping center parking lot just to burn some cals.

My cousin's Bar-Mitzvah is in two months and my goal is t loose 5 pounds and get back to being toned. I was doing so good for awhile! But I feel gross these days. And realize I am totally one of those mid twenties working professionals, who are the target of SELF and Shape magazine.

So solution: Stick to gym classes that I have to drive out of my way to go to, so I actually go. Schedule- Monday cardio then pilates. Wednesday - cardio then pilates. Saturday - cardio then pilates. Sunday 9:30am bootcamp! EXCEPT when will I start these consistently? This coming Monday I have another awards show to go too! And no, it will NOT be the GRAMMY's this year!

Okay I am done venting - I promise to write about something more exciting soon.

riddle me this.

ok so honestly, while i'd like to pretend it doesn't bother me, i seriously ask myself why am i still single? I'm at a point in my life where I really do feel I am ready to love again, experience life with someone, and one day ( hopefully before i'm 30), be married.

I don't get why I am still single, and yes I have to admit watching cheesy but ohh so addicting reality shows like the Bachelor, make me realize that there are a lot of cute, well rounded single women in the world. But I don't get it. It feels like everyone I know has a ring on their finger. I hate the dating scene, and while i've been in the middle of it all really have just become even more confused by men. Why they act into you and then don't call? Why they can talk for hours upon hours with you, and then never call, how they can write novel of emails back and forth wit you, and then not call. These are all seperate men mind you.

But I thought the men in SD would be different, and while they definitely are in a sense, they still tend to be jerks in their own way. I don't get it. I think i'm cute, have a good career, have lived life and traveled, well educated, intelligent, outgoing, fun, adventurous, good style, good attitude and outlook on life, well read and traveled...so can anyone tell me why??

Ugh. Valentines is approaching once again and after spending another single Holiday season, here goes another Vday of singleness.

I just want that moment to come. That moment of instant click and comfort, to stay this time. I know it's out there bigger and better.

When.
Where.
Why.
How.

It's 2009 already?

It's been awhile since i've updated, and I apologize for any one who is a major fan, but life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately, and somehow here we are in the entrance of 2009. Where have the last 9 years gone?

So update on me. No longer living in LA. Back in San Diego full time for the first time in almost 10 years. Somehow ironically end up spending most of my time at a place 9 years ago, I couldn't wait to depart from: UCSD campus. Still single, and have pretty much stopped "looking" for love, hoping like all those optimistic happy in love woman say "it will come to me when I stop looking." Although I have to admit that thought doesn't help the lonely nights. I'm pretty much convinced that while San Diego is by far probably the most esthetically pleasing city, and I feel blessed to work in La Jolla, California, a place where people only dream they could live because it really is that picture perfect...the fact that it's trying to become or better yet has emerged into a wanna be hipster town with "East Village" now a apart of downtown, and the once sketchy North Park is now the Silverlake of it all, has totally made me a little stand-offish.

I don't really know anyone here anymore. Okay that's a lie. I know a ton of people, but have totally lost touch with so many people, and have truly realized that when you haven't seen people in 10 years, they totally change. Some for the best, others for the worst, and others - will always hold a special place in my heart.

I somehow live at home again, which is funny because when I meet people and they ask me what part of SD I live in, I really want to say Little Italy, but i've realized that would be a lie. I am back in La Mesa with my mom. My goal is to have my own place by May. But this is giving me a great opportunity to save a nice amount of cash flow each month, so much so that I somehow am still broke for the time being, because that extra money in my checking account tends to go to eating out and clothes. But hey, I figure I should enjoy it awhile. So trying to take advantage of living at home again, and honestly if i were smart I should live here for a year or more so I could make a down payment on a condo or house! But instead for the time being, I live in a small cottage type house with my mom, and an exchange student from Turkey. The only space I have is a small bedroom, and at times I really just want to kick them both out of the house so I can have some space! BUT, I have to remember the real reason I was prompted to move down here in the first place.

My mom has cancer. I found out on October 25th, 2008 - hence the stall in writing. I have been writing just not for the public yet. Yes she has advanced breast cancer that has spread to the bone, and while I can talk about it with strength, the way i deal with it is to just keep praying and don't dwell on it. So now you know, she is doing well, I tend to forget at times she has it, and when I think of it, I want to cry the night away. But I am doing well, she is doing well, God has saved me from all this.

As in yes that's right I recently was Saved at The Rock Church and for anyone who does not believe in a higher power, well, I pray for you. Because the way God works is amazing. I saw it come through on my own life, in a time where I needed it. I was lost, confused, feeling out of place with LA and the people there, and even some of my own friends, and BAM one day my plan had changed, I entered a new chapter, and have been blessed this far. Step by step.

It's all sort of ironic, because I was in Vegas with a couple of my best friends having a blast, and then literally in the airport I had this weird gut feeling that I hadn't heard from my mom. A n intuition. Then the same night I flew back to LA, I found myself driving to the hospital in SD to find out the news. In a way, I think it was a wake up call. I had been living this life of having a good time and feeling so disconnected, that while life still is far from my ideal situation, things have progressed a lot.

At this point, I really like my job. I'm Marketing Manager at La Jolla Playhouse, and a lot of people keep asking me why the hell I left the music industry and I can say is this. I absolutely adored the people I worked with, and miss them a ton, and will NEVER have as cool as a boss(es) as I did. BUT after 4 years, I out grew the job and was sick of the day to day bullshit and more so, just not feeling full filled at the end of the day. I realized that while I love me some Tpain, I didn't give a shit as to how many spins he got in Madison, WI.

So now I get to do what I have wanted to do for the past couple of years. Write and implement full fledged marketing campaigns for Broadway shows. Schmooze with advertising reps to do all the media buying, be creative, write, and work with cool people who all adore what they do. And if you aren't familiar with the venue think RENT and Jersey Boys - we are home and founders to them, to name a few.

Umm so okay, where am I going with this? ha. Well all in all, i'll leave you with this. It feels nice to be back in SD, loving the job, but miss LA and my people and the music industry and honestly the ambition of the city, will probably be back one day unless I meet some amazing man down here, depressed of being single, trying to let men from the past run through my head anymore, trying to focus on writing and being healthy and me.Manifest that things will be content for me down the line. Things will fall into place for me down here as I take on this new chapter.

I pray for my mom. I hope to become closer with my family. I hope to feel content and full filled in life on all levels. I hope to meet new amazing people. I hope to become closer to God. I hope to pay of my debt and get a new car. I hope to loose 7 pounds. I hope to meet awesome men who call when they say they will call.And one more thing...I really hope to be in a show once again! I have totally been inspired recently.

Talk soon.